Fasten your seatbelt for the Double D Roller Coaster

Welcome dear readers! Please present your E ticket at the turn style and enter the ride to the far left. Buckle the seat belt and tug it tight because you're in for a wild ride on the Double D Roller Coaster of loud laughter, light mindedness, and evil speaking of the Self Appointed. If making light of religion offends you, then you might want to exit through the safety gate on the far right and catch the next gondola for "It's a Small World, Afterall".

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Thankyou Notes For The LDS Church After Leaving Mormonism

On behalf of my PostMormon, Ex-Mormon and even Non-Mormon friends everywhere I'd like to offer up a collection of thankyou notes for the LDS church and it's well meaning members who out of sincere desire to include us in their church continue to attempt to welcome us back into the fold.

Many of us are accused of leaving the church, but not leaving it alone. There's so much truth to that statement, especially if you consider that the LDS church will resist every effort for us to leave with our dignity and family in tact. Even when we do leave ALONE, they will continue to hound us till beyond the grave.

(Disclaimer, some of the references to various personal experiences come from a wide range of friends who have told endless stories about having their privacy, family and rights invaded by LDS groups and individuals who seemed to have missed out on any training in manners, boundaries, or respect of their fellow man. Not all these are my own experiences, but conglomerates. Perhaps one will resonate with you.)

Thankyou Your Ward Here for receiving my resignation letter. I appreciate how seriously you took my request for no more contact and sent Bishop XXX to confirm that the letter was from me. It was especially kind of him to remind me of my eternal salvation. I hadn't considered that when I left the church, graduated to more enlightened thinking, and no longer believe in God or Heaven. The Bishops stern warning had a powerful impact considering that I no longer fear heaven or hell.

Thanyou Your Ward Here for keeping my name on your rolls despite my specific and repeated requests for removal. By tracking my various moves and sending my records to wards where I've never attended and sending new LDS neighbors to keep tabs on me you have given me an intense sense of connection. I know that no matter how far I travel, how much I disassociate with the church, that the LDS church will always have my back. It's like having a very special fan club that knows where I am at all times, stays abreast of my personal family matters, and can access my work, home, and even private cell phone numbers at a moments notice and then share that information with numerous auxiliaries. It makes the phrase, "You can leave the church, but you can never leave it alone" even more pungent.

Speaking of leaving it "alone", I want to thank the church for keeping such close tabs on my family. I know that I can leave but if I want to take my family with me I can rest assured that the church will be there to make sure they are tightly protected from my influence and parental rights. By continually influencing their every thought and action you keep a growing wedge between us that grows from irritating to a collosal chasm that is almost irreparable.

As I work to repair the relationships with my spouse and children I want to thank you for continuing to interfere. It could almost feel like love, in the way that a false accusation of child molestation or abuse feels like love. By teaching our children that those of us who leave are dangerous, unhappy, and even evil you create a self fulfilling prophecy by making us unhappy and forced to react to the continual undermining of our parenting.

I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the Relief Society. Thankyou for keeping me on your Visiting Teaching rolls. Having an assigned friend at these troubled times is a great comfort. When you call and drop by with your notes, treats, Ensign articles, handouts, ward lists, Homemaking Night invites, RS Birthday party invites, and the many many other incidental invitations it shows me that no matter how much I want to avoid all that is LDS and the Relief Society, that the Relief Society will never ever leave me. Like an obsessed lover or ex-husband, you reflect intense affection and devotion.

Nothing says "Love' like the social network of the Young Men's, Young Women's, and Primary Organizations. While my children may struggle after we leave the church to find friends that will accept them without the attachment of the church, you send your kids by and condition them to approach our children at school and pressure them to return. At a child's vulnerable weakest you make sure that they are socially shut out if they don't go to Primary and cut off from friends if they are not involved in the Youth activities. In doing so you create a false need and longing, not for the gospel but for acceptance, and willingness to submit in order to have those vital friendships. Thankyou LDS church for teaching my children that without the church they are NOTHING.

I would be remiss if I didn't give a grateful nod to the Elders Quorum for their diligent service. During a painful divorce, loss of our home, job insecurity you never failed to send a completely detached man by that offered a kind prayer on our behalf. Sure we could have used some help, maybe even a true friend but knowing that that man would come by on the 30th of every month and mark us off his list was a great comfort. And the prayers were powerful. In fact, after the divorce and loss of our home we've found refuge in a travel trailer at the KOA. The Lord works in mysterious ways. And in spite of leaving the church you have made sure that the Elders Quorum have kept us on their list as well and continue to send a stranger to our door in spite of our requests to leave us alone. In doing so you show that you know what we need better than we know what we need. It's comforting to know that should we suddenly decide the church is true that we can go to this stranger and have him pray for us.

It was wonderful when one of the EQ dropped a little google map by the other day with an invitation to come to church. Considering that there's an LDS church within a three block radius in every town  and no way to escape the behemoth architectural invasion into every neighborhood, it was nice to know that this time we had a map. It's almost as if many in the church think like Miss South Carolina when she said, "Some people don't have maps". Sure I've been to that ward for 20 years, sure I can see nine steeples from my back yard, and it's no secret that the line of cars every Sunday morning leads directly to those churches and would be easy to follow if I were inclined to go to a Mormon church, but having that map made all the difference. Thankyou for your endless tiny kindnesses. Let it never be said that the Mormons aren't thorough.

This letter wouldn't be complete without a thankyou note to the LDS missionaries. In spite of having been on a mission myself, having raised a son and helped him with his mission preparation, having heard every lesson forward and back and read the scriptures and been fairly learned in the actual doctrines of the gospel, (even having been a Gospel Doctrine Teacher) it's incredible to have two young men in white shirts show up at my door, un-announced and offer to teach me the Gospel.  Hearing those lessons from the sweet innocent naive lips of nineteen year old boys is so refreshing. It's almost like I never left!!

And considering that when I left it was because I'd uncovered hundreds of discrepancies and outright lies that the LDS church had taught, enforced, and promoted for my entire life it created a very complex situation with these sweet naive young men. Of course I had the good grace to not impose my own beliefs on them or reveal the various lies I've discovered. I was polite and kind and accommodating, even offering to feed them. It's clearly not the soldiers that start the wars. They're just following orders. But after the third time you sent the missionaries and a third direct rebuff it seems like perhaps I would have some forgiveness for being a little rude and abrupt with them.

I want to thank you for sending the good looking ones, the fresh faced sweetest missionaries to my door. It's much harder to look those sweet children in the eye and tell them what I really think, especially knowing that they are facing enormous pressure to fulfill a quota of contacts and baptisms and face enormous rejection every day of their tedious mission.

To the elderly LDS missionaries, I want to thank you for your long hours in the winter of your life when you should be enjoying time with your grandkids and traveling the world. Thankyou for being at every public venue handing out your phamplets and being so nice and sweet. You send a message that if one devotes a lifetime to the LDS church and all their tithes, all their time and energy and talents that they too can someday sit at a booth and give away advertizements for something no one wants. Thankyou for keeping the bathrooms at Cove Fort so clean. Thankyou for keeping J.C. Penny and Mr. Mac in business. Thankyou for renting your homes out to BYU college kids who get a beagle puppy  the minute you get on the plane to Africa.

To the LDS school teacher that approaches the inactive or non-LDS child in her class and rewards them for showing interest in the church, thankyou for showing that church and state don't always have to be separate. My child needs to learn this early so that he won't be so disappointed when he finds out that many of his local legislators, from judges to Senators are all part of the LDS network and work tirelessly to make sure LDS standards and rules are enforced throughout the nation. I'd hate for my child to think he grew up in a nation where freedom FROM religion was genuinely respected. It would create way too much frustration in him later on in life as he sees the church insert itself into every branch of government.

 Thankyou LDS church on behalf of people of every race, color, and gender orientation. You show by your extreme devotion to preventing equality for women, for blacks and Hispanics, and for the GLBT community that you have enormous power and money at your disposal and can buy elections, manipulate the press, and coerce politicians. Many people in the United States have the silly illusion that as Citizens they should have equal rights but thanks to the LDS church and other groups like them, those rights can be limited, denied, and taken away. You show that "We really can take our nation back" to the 1950's. Where men were men, women stayed home and had babies and got excited about their newest kitchen gadget, and homosexuals and blacks knew enough to stay down and hidden where the God of the Bible intended.

This list would be incomplete if I didn't thank the Temple workers and my own LDS family who never tire of putting my name on the temple prayer list and even go so far as to infer that as soon as I die they'll have me re-baptized and inducted into Mormonism again, regardless of my wishes in mortal life. You show by this massive breach of personal rights and dignity that the Mormon church is above common courtesy and rights to privacy. You show the supreme confidence akin to the man who is sure that the woman who rejected him, had a restraining order taken against him, moved far away, changed her name, went into the witness protection program and hid in a cave to avoid contact really does still love him and when she gets her head on straight will come running back. Now that's optimism!! Thanks for showing that we should never give up. No matter how much someone begs, yells, insists, and seeks legal counsel to enforce, never ever give up.

I understand now why the devoted members can so confidently claim, "they can leave the church, but they can never leave it alone". Your policies, your culture and scriptures, your leadership and laws make it near impossible to ever really leave. In a way, Mormonism is like a tumor and you can cut it out, radiate it to death, poison it, stab it, and throw it down a well but it will find a way to come back and infect every organ in your body until you are consumed.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

If Life Were Only Like This - By Donna Banta

The Lord of Humor has truly blessed me with a dear friend named Donna Banta who manages to consistently produce hilarious and spot on funny pieces every week or so. She has been gracious enough to offer guest shots on this program, giving a wonderful variety and diverse perspective to my own ramblings and rantings. I welcome others as well and hope as this blog evolves that it can showcase some of the best writing of the Exmormon humorists.

If Life Were Only Like This
by Donna Banta

I feel that way a lot, especially around General Conference time. Maybe because when I think of the Brethren igniting the LDS Conference center with yet another of their “rock star” performances, I can’t help but reflect on the time consuming, useless, and mind-numbingly dopey things I did for the unmitigated assholes who used to run my life.

If I could just go back -- only this time without harboring the following daft assumptions:

The two weekends devoted to the senile ramblings of the “Lord’s Anointed” were the scintillating high points of the year. After all, only the most inspiring orators were worthy to be god’s collective mouthpiece. That meant they were interesting, dammit, and if I was bored it was my own fault.
My stake president was the nicest and most intelligent person in town. Why else would god pick him to be in charge? It only followed that when I didn’t agree with his pronouncements -- like girls don’t need to go to college and gays can be “cured” -- I was the stupid one who chose to be offended.

My bishop was always inspired when he issued a calling. If he hadn’t been I would never have agreed to give up paid vacation days and time with my family to teach the “Fun with Finger Puppets Workshop” at the stake Relief Society retreat.

My bishop’s wife was the epitome of style and taste. That’s why she was chosen to oversee the remodeling of the ward meeting house. So when I saw her sprawled on a chapel pew comparing carpet swatches, her gingham checked jumper hiked above her knee-high nylons, I obediently equated it to Jacqueline Kennedy choosing the silk backdrop for the White House Green Room. (“I want the Vermeer blue variegated berber for the chapel walls, Mr. Boudin.”)

Blessings on the food really did protect “our health and strength.” Otherwise, I never would have accepted anything prepared in my bishop’s wife’s biannually cleaned kitchen.

The home teacher really cared about our family. This explained why he dropped by at 10 PM on the last day of the month to inquire after our welfare while fielding calls on his cell phone.

OK, but in this new version, I no longer buy into any of the aforementioned crap. So instead of the typical “You Betcha!” I respond the way I should have all along:

Brother Busybody: “Sister Banta, do you want to come over to our house to watch Conference?”
Me: “Gosh, Brother Busybody, that’s really tempting, but C-Span is rebroadcasting that
House Ways
and Means subcommittee hearing, and I don’t want to miss it!”

President Perfect: No offense, Sister Banta. I respect the female sex, and I love homosexuals -- so long as the women stay in kitchen, and the gays in the closet.                                  
Me: Brilliantly said, President Perfect, and I’m not at all offended. Oh! And by the way, the next time you’re out and about, and feel the need to pinch off your daily loaf, don’t be put off by that Gentlemen sign. Go right on in anyway.

Bishop Inspired: Sister Banta, I’m calling you to be the Relief Society Personal Enrichment Leader.
-- Perhaps this is where I step out of the scene and produce Rosanne Barr, or Bill Maher, or, even better, Insana D.

Sister Inspired: Sister Banta, I just redecorated my dining room, and have tons of leftovers in my fridge. Would you like to come over for dinner?
Me: No, but I know a producer on the TV show Fear Factor who might be interested.

And finally at my door at 10 PM on the last day of the month, cell phone at his ear:
Shitty Home Teacher: Can I come in and share a message?
Me: Off my porch, asshat.

Then I look at the camera and say,

Boy, if life were really like this!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Mormon Demotivators

I think most of us who have made our way out of the church have seen numerous de-motivational posters, either using the LDS propaganda art or actual statements made by LDS leaders with photos and illustrations that reveal just how twisted such things are. Sometimes things are taken out of context but are the core behind many confusing and illogical beliefs that abound in Mormon doctrine and leadership. There's numerous sites where these can be created. I used a site called that gives a very simple template that is easy to use and upload a photo, add a caption and title and publish on Facebook or other places. The limits on photo size, amount of text, etc. are typical. This makes it a challenge to edit these themes into just short sound bytes and quips but that's part of the fun, boiling out the fat to leave just the irony of the message. So without further adieu, here's some of my latest attempts at blasphemy, irreverence, loud laughter, light mindedness, and evil speaking of the Lord's Anointed.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Mercy Flucking for Oreos

This is going to sound pretty lame but I still have Visiting Teachers. A new one was assigned to be my friend just last month and she and my long time (almost twelve years now) partner have me on their list of obligations that win them points in Mormon heaven, as well as give them something interesting to gossip about in Relief Society meetings. I know it's sort of cruel on my part to string them along like this. In a way it's a form of community service. They think they've done me a service by feigning to be interested in my life and I do them a service by feigning that I appreciate the visits.

It all started over a decade ago when I was getting a divorce from my first husband. He was Elder's Quorum President at the time and had taken the EQ attendance from 30% down to about 12% in less than a year. He was truly loathed by the men in the ward, and of course by me. I knew that the vicious gossip would be pretty damning since I was divorcing a temple recommend holding man and breaking up a perfectly good marriage. So I evaluated the leading families in the small LDS pioneer town and carefully chose my informant. She was related to five of the prominent families and had been in the town most of her life as had her grandparents and their grandparents. If anyone could be an ally for my side of the story she was the most connected. And a noted gossip. So I went to her and carefully revealed some of the many dark reasons that I was finally divorcing my husband. The long story can be found here pitofdespair but suffice it to say that I had enough legitimate reasons to fill several books. She sympathized with me and of course agreed that it was time, in spite of the upcoming difficulties that would take over my life and family. I walked the half block home knowing that before I opened the door to my cabin the story would have spread around the community like a yeast infection, faster than the Internet, faster than a speeding bullet or telegram. The small town gossip circle if carefully orchestrated is incredibly efficient for transferring information.

Even after I left the church (the jury is still out on who broke up with whom) they kept her assigned as my visiting teacher. You can leave the Mormon church but they will follow you around like a hungry orphan for decades. You can starve them to death and they'll still claim to love you. You can abuse, neglect, defame and decry them and they still want you back. You can resign, put a Do Not Resuscitate bracelet on your membership and they still keep coming back.  I've tried to resign twice but since I'm a mere woman, and have changed my name back to my maiden name they don't recognize my resignation and keep me on their rolls. I finally gave up. When they send the missionaries over I just abuse the hell out of them and make them do hard hard labor and they eventually stop pestering me. It's not that difficult to take the silly cards and magazines and handouts they send and drop them in the trash like any junk mail or spam that comes through the mail. The cookies aren't all bad and I enjoy a good potluck now and again, so I'll use them if that makes them happy. They're pretty good neighbors as neighbors go.

I like my Visiting Teacher well enough and since she is so well connected to the town I knew that it was a strategic move to stay in her good graces. So the years go by and month after month she stops by to see me, occasionally reading a lesson from the Ensign but after a while realizing that it often just caused an audible yawn on my part and a polite but cold response. I believe she dearly loves me and I care about her and her family, in spite of the chasm of differences between us.

She's a woman of considerable girth and poor health (although she's proud to say she doesn't imbibe in caffeinated drinks) and had gotten to the point where she could not get up the three steps into my house. She would honk on her way home from church and I'd come out and visit at her car door. She'd give me a loaf of bread or some handout from church and we'd discuss family events and hug and she'd be on her way.

About a year ago she got enough disability insurance to get herself a Hoverround. She's thrilled with the little wheelchair but it's limited in where it can go so now she can only get to the edge of my street and holler in hopes that I'll hear her and come out. During this cold and wet winter she's finally asked me to just come over to her house to be Visit Taught.

So last week she called and mentioned that she has a new VT partner. A woman I'd not seen in several years because of some of her own family dramas and she'd moved out of state for a while. I didn't know much about the woman and had only heard a little about the dramas but figured it was none of my business so I ignored the gossip in hopes of not getting drawn into the vortex of judgement. This woman rushed over to be present while I visited my Visiting Teachers and we caught up on family news and then the inevitable gossip about her drama came up. I tried to politely fidget and escape but they kept on. At one point the new partner asked me if I knew about so and so and what had happened. I lied. I said, "I don't know what the hell you ladies are talking about. I'm not in the loop and have no opinion on either side".  I find that cussing in front of a Mormon is a sure fire way to avoid the whole Ensign or some other scriptural lesson. It's been a handy and efficient communication skill and one I use frequently.

So the new VT stammered for a while and then pulled a cellophane sleeve of Oreos out of her purse. "Here, I am not supposed to eat these". I thanked them and then made my exit.

I felt like a slut. A dirty dirty slut who just got paid with stale Oreos. I don't care a twat about the LDS church, about their Visiting Teacher stats or their points in Mormon heaven. I only care about my sweet but dumb neighbor and staying in good graces with the rest of the town. I love that town. I pay a pretty hefty price to live amongst the Mormons but overall the rewards outweigh the drawbacks. They call me when there's a busted pipe at my cabin, they care about my safety and comfort, they're there if I needed help. They don't play loud Rap music all night or piss in their front yards and leave used condoms in the driveway like my ethnic neighbors here in Vegas. There's no smog, no sirens, no screaming jets overhead, no traffic, and no crime (unless ignorance is a crime, then every state is in trouble). The water is pure and delicious, the air crisp and clean, the views incredible, the soil amazing, and the lifestyle is just perfect.

In five days my sweet husband will retire from his County job here in Vegas. We both have to get part time jobs in Utah and money will be even tighter than it's been these past few years but I can hardly wait. If mercy flucking my Mormon neighbors is the price I have to pay to get along then I'll just have to lay back and take it. Look at what I'm getting for my favors.

Vegetable garden

 kolobs  These are the mountains five miles from our little cabin where BABB and I love to hike. I call this place my back yard.

Tara, my little cabin and acre of paradise Tara

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Mormonism tastes like a processed meat like substance

Last year a very dear friend of mine wrote this clever poem as an expression of his frustration and disaffection with the LDS experience. He gave me permission to post it on my other blog findingthepony and from there it sort of went viral. Then the shyte hit the fan for my friend.

What happened was that my friend was going through a divorce from a TBM spouse and she was compelling their kids to spy on the father (author). They found one of his posts on a discussion board and then started googling his name and this poem came up. They forwarded it to his bishop who sent it to his SP who then called him in for a court of "Love" for his seditious remarks. It's ok to think such things but if you post them on an internet discussion board then it's considered a breach of loyalty to the church.

What is bizarre is that by excommunicating him for his poem they prove exactly the thing he's suggesting in the poem, that the church is an oppressive unjust regime.

It really embodies the Mormon experience for many of us and for that reason I want this poem to make the rounds in the world of exmormonism. So many can completely relate. It deserves to be seen by others. Just play with the title a bit so it doesn't come up in a Google search.

Mormonism Tastes Like A Processed Meat Like Substance- A Poem By my friend

Mormonism tastes like Spam.
Frankly I don’t give a damn
Whether it is testified
Lightened, whitened, fixified.
I do not like that Joseph Smith.
I do not like the Mormon Myth.

You will like it, you will see:
Fill your bowels with charity.
Read the scriptures every day,
Fast, pay tithing, always pray.
Then you cannot help but know.
A still small voice will tell you so.

God must not have heard my prayer.
Or if he did, he didn't care.
I didn't hear him on my knees.
I didn't feel him in the breeze.
In darkest nights, no inner lights,
No rescues by the three Nephites.
I could not trust that Joseph Smith.
I would not buy the Mormon Myth.

They told me that I never tried.
God's non-response was justified.
I wasn't pure. I wasn't good.
I didn't do the things I should.
If I were worthy, then I'd see:
The Holy Ghost would comfort me.

God loves the soul who contemplates,
Unless, of course, he masturbates,
Or puts weird colors in his hair
Or balks at holy underwear,
Or kids who fib or laugh too loud,
Or sometimes want to join the crowd,
Or girls who show their midriff skin
And cause Aaronic priesthood sin.

Sometimes God gets kind of pissy
At the independent missy
Who speaks her mind and doesn’t find
A testimony meeting blissy.

God loves meek, he loves the mild.
The ones who trust just like a child
And give their pennies, pay their tithes,
Let the prophets take their wives.
God loves everyone, we’re told,
Unless they will not fit the mold.

Praise to Joseph in the grove,
Searching for the treasure trove.
Put his face down in the hat,
(Who the hell came up with that?)
In the eerie seer stone light,
Words came floating into sight,
Nephite testimony bearers
Quoting later King James errors.

Disregard all other views.
Sit your asses in the pews.
Pray some, say some, pay some more.
Claim to love the three-hour bore.
Follow those who chat with God.
Firmly grasp the iron rod.

What the fuck? That isn’t right.
I prayed with all my heart and might,
Repented fast and fasted slow,
Begging God to let me know.
Finally I’ve come around,
Standing back on solid ground:
I do not like that Joseph Smith.
I do not like the Mormon myth.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Farm Sex and Mormon Girl

How did I learn about sex? I lived near animals. That's a guarandamntee that you'll see a peni part before you even know what it is. Cows and horses mounting and dogs doing it on the front lawn, cat mating rituals, and of course Oregon Bunny Sex were all things I saw from the time I could walk.

Bunnies copulate really quickly. The Buck sniffs for a second and without even a bouquet of flowers or kind word he hops on the girl bunnies back, wiggles a bit, and is done before she's even finished a mouthful of clover. She sort of looks behind her like, "Did I feel something?" and then they go on about their business. The buck spends most of his day looking for other bunnies to bang and the girl bunnies just eat clover and wonder why their back fur is so sticky. I don't think they feel a thing. If a Buck bunny tried to mount me, I'd probably not notice either.

Horses on the other hand, now that's some pretty wild sex. The long part gets coated with flies and is sort of disgusting if you look too close, but it is impressive.

Cows are just filthy and disgusting and usually the heifers are just irritated. I've never heard of bovine orgasms from the heifers, just the bulls. I think to be a heifer must be a lot like being an LDS woman.

Cat sex is bizarre. The female will tempt and taunt and tease and coo and sway and sachet in front of the bevy of Tom cats, but then when one comes near, she slaps the shit out of him. Then the Tomcats fight, sometimes to the death. The fur flies, the screams fill the night air, and eventually she sort of lays her hips down and the favored Tom, (or often several who are in it for sloppy seconds) mount her, bite her ears, and then go off to lick their wounds. Cats are bitches and very very slutty. No wonder there's so many sexual terms about them.

Dog sex is sort of freaky.  I don't think the female dogs really enjoy it but are more bewildered that every Curr in town is breaking down the fence and scratching through the front door while she sits there in her pretty white living room with a diaper on. It lasts longer than bunny sex but I've never seen a really contented JBF look on a female dog. She's in it for the puppies. Sort of like some LDS women.

In the 1960's and 1970's when I was a young girl it was considered quite taboo, especially among my LDS family and friends to discuss sex or body parts or anything related to body functions. I was in the third grade before I knew that human boys had a penis, but my LDS mother didn't call it a penis. She referred to it as a "Kickstand" so I imagined it as a slanty thing that stuck out the front and held the poor kid up should he topple over. Then when I was in HS and encountered a real one it was pointing in the other direction, ALL THE TIME so I thought they were like this ALL THE TIME and with something that insistent it was no wonder boys were so consumed with sexual thoughts.

We weren't even allowed to say the word "Pregnant". We had to say, "With Child" as if a woman was without child one day and suddenly some little fetus just crawled right up her skirt and now she was "with child". I actually believed my own mother was a virgin till I was in the fifth grade even though I was the seventh of eight kids.

When my Irish twin sister and I were in the fifth grade we were sent home with the permission slip to go to our maturation program and my mother, being a very proper and naive LDS woman decided that such a program was going to be laden with porn and wild 1970's hippie free love influences so she would not allow us to go. I was a tomboy and didn't care much anyway and hadn't given a thought to the idea that I would someday have woman parts and woman issues. So when my sister turned twelve and started her period she was equally naive and ill prepared for what her body was experiencing.  She was in the bathroom and saw the blood, felt the cramps and suddenly started screaming because she thought she had crotch cancer. My mother came running in and then in her Victorian way she told my sister to just bear it in silence, never discuss it with anyone (way to build the shame Mom!!) and to always wear dark skirts in case there was an accident. Then she showed her how to put on those nasty humongous Kotex pads with the belt. SNLKotexClassic 

My father overheard some of what was going on and teased my sister so then my brothers joined in and she was mortified. I promised myself that if and when I finally started I'd never ask for help, never let anyone know, and never ever suffer the humiliation she went through. When I didn't start at twelve, thirteen, fourteen, I decided maybe I was off the hook and wouldn't have to suffer such degrading humiliation but then the spring of my fifteenth year Aunt Flo came with a vengeance and hung around for five weeks. I actually thought once you started you just bled and bled forever. Still, I never told my mother. It just wasn't something that was discussed. I suspect a lot of LDS girls have similar experiences or did in that era.

I didn't get girl bosoms till I was 15 but then they just suddenly appeared one summer morning and kept growing and growing, like a chia pet for my chest. Previously I'd been known as "Chet's little brother" or the Pirate's Treasure
but then I got boobies, and in my vindication at the cruel jibes from Jr. High
boys I proclaimed, "I'll show them!"

I named them 30 or so years ago when they first made their perky pink nosed appearance. I was so proud of them back then and so named them after two famous Norwegian twins Ano and Tano. I'd had a school reader that had a story about how these two kids had snuck the nations gold on their sleds right under the noses of the Germans during WWII. The picture in the book showed these two round faced whiter than white kids with little red noses, swooping full faced down the mountain. So Ano and Tano were born, here to save the gold from the Nazi's.

Later when I was experimenting with necking and petting I had no idea what to expect regarding a young man's body nor my own so while dancing with some kid from another town he was breathing warm on my neck. Suddenly I realized how good it all felt and was purring like a kitten in short order. I had no idea what was going on with my southern hemisphere since all it had ever done before was expel fluids but now they were coming from a place I'd never imagined had a dispensary. I wanted nothing more than to experience that thrill as often as possible. Yet still I was conditioned to believe that any such feelings were dangerous, bad, evil, and would only lead me to the depths of hell. Guilt, shame, and thrills. What a roller coaster!

By the time I met my first husband I was so hungry for completion that I had little will power. Birth control was never discussed and my ignorance on how to use or even where to purchase such things was close to nill. So of course I got pregnant the first time, which indicated that I should marry this guy I barely knew and didn't really like, which resulted in an eighteen year farce. In the meantime I still hadn't figured out what all the good parts were for and had little in the way of full satisfaction. He was as much a naive virgin as myself and seemed to have even more guilt and shame over his body and the procreative acts so we really didn't explore all the fun stuff that is quite possible and should be encouraged in marital relations.

When I was giving birth to my first baby the doctor came in and told me that my cervix was dilated to a five or something. I had no idea I had a cervix and there it was dilating without my knowledge. The chasm of misinformation and lack of education made for some comical and very sad realities as I started to figure out things for myself.

When my son was a few hours old the pediatrician came in and asked me if I wanted to have him circumcised. I looked at him with horror and said, "NOOOOOO! We're Mormons!" I really thought that circumcision was just some archaic mutilation thing that only Jew's did to their sons. I had no idea that my own husband was cut, nor the difference between a turtleneck and mushroom top.

I was 21 yrs. old before I knew that women could experience orgasms. Tom Cruise and I did IT on the couch by ourselves, he was wearing the same underpants and button down shirt he wore in Risky Business. I read about it in Cosmo, the corrupter of all young women. After Tom Cruise, it was several large Samoans from a group called the Nono Seno Dancers, who performed at the Tiki Lounge in Disneyland. They were very very good. There was a Nordic God named Thor. He took me in every which way.

My mothers advise when I first got married, (She still hadn't figured out that I was two months pregnant) was, "Well sister (she always calls us sister so she doesn't have to remember which one of us shes talking to), Just think about IT as if you're canning peaches. By the time you've scalded the skins and peeled them it's over and you can just go clean up the sticky mess and go back to sleep. It's your duty and a chore, but usually over very quickly. I'm so sorry for you sister.". She once admitted that she wasn't sure if she'd ever had an orgasm. That's a guarantee you haven't.

If the back of your head doesn't explode, lightning shoot out the tips of your toes and fingertips, and stars rotate around the ceiling, leaving you spent and trembling, it's a good sign that you haven't yet experienced a good orgasm.

Thank you BABB. You are my hero.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Cash For Klunkers

The recent events reflecting the LDS Correlation Redactifuckation of doctrine are fairly insulting to the intelligence of even the most modestly inclined devotees still in the church. I was raised in the church of the 1970's where racism was quite blatant and generally accepted by many of the members. I remember Adam/God Doctrine and many other things that have been changed somewhat subtly at first, and now quite blatantly. The idea that they can sequester all the old books and magazines that show the bigotry and ignorance of LDS leaders is pretty silly, especially considering the speed of the internet and how quickly people can find such information.

In my perspective, they can't redact fast enough to cover up the tripe the church leaders and so called "Authorities" spewed. They can marginalize those that leave and confuse the poor folks who stay but the reality of what they've promoted over the years lives on in the racism, bigotry, and backward ignorance of the living members. Those kind of memes take generations to erradicate. I'm sure there's many of us born in the last century that remember every one of those expired doctrines.

This too will come to bite the LDS church back in their lumpy white arses. Do they really think they can un-lie the lies, un-rape, and un-murder people? This is one plucked chicken that can't be un-plucked.

Maybe while they're trying to clean up the church's filth they could turn in old dysfunctional General Authority models for new and improved more politically correct ones. Boyd KKK Packer is like a rusty old Packer, gas hogging, cumbersome and completely useless on the highway of life. He's way past his expiration date and in need a very deep burial, hopefully far away from where he can do so much damage with his toxic words.
Cash For Klunkers

Perhaps the LDS church should offer a Cash for Klunkers program for any with old manuals, scriptures, words of the actual prophets, books by General Authorities and Scholars that go against the new and improved 6.0 version. If enough folks turned in their old manuals and JODs and other incriminating documents the members could augment their stretched ward budgets and maybe bring back something fun to compensate for the tedium of the new lesson plans.The General Authorities could ask for any of the old BOMs, Journal of Discourses, and other publications that show their leaders to be bigots, liars, jackasses, philanderers, fools, etc. they could create a cottage industry for those who have lost their construction related jobs. Imagine a bevy of manly men with backhoes all lined up to dig pits to bury the dead doctrine.

If you bring in all your old copies of "Fascinating Womanhood, your pre 1985 BOM with it's uncomfortable passages about "White and Delightsome" and other issues, your copies of various Ensigns where the GA's and Prophets reflect blatant bigotry, etc. you can qualify for a nice one time discount on your tithing, upwards of a .02% discount on one year's tithe.

If you'll sign a non-disclosure statement to not speak of any of these things for 100 years they can offer you a leadership position of Stake President or Bishop range.

If you'll sign a 70 year exclusive committment promising your life, your wife, your kids, your time, your talents, your home, your income, your soul and mind, they can offer you the potential to become a Mission President in a cushy region of the world with house servants and a subsidiary income from Bonneville Communications as one of our consultants.

All this for the mere price of your integrity and silence. Cheap really.

Unfortunately, the recycle value of all this printed material is $1.50, hardly worth the effort to load it into the shredder. Perhaps the true value is in it's insulation qualities. 

Cellulose Insulation Upgrades

Too bad the church didn't print all their stuff on more absorbant paper. It would make good bird cage liner or to wrap fish in. I wonder what the biodegradable qualities are of most of the books. Maybe they could shred it and make compost. Of course a lot of it is quite toxic so could contaminate the ground water and ruin all sorts of infrastructure.
 Maybe they could use it like shredded cellulose and insulate homes in the new Obama program where folks get rebates and discounts if they add insulation and weatherize their homes. Chewed up BOMs, JODs, Mormon Doctrine, and other publications may have some value in the roof of poorly insulated homes. It was pretty good at keeping any fresh ideas from coming into the church so maybe it will be useful to keep warm air from escaping. Worth a try.

Landfill and Toxic Waste Dump

My biggest fear is that when my Mama dies she'll bequeath her massive collection of old Ensign magazines to me and I'll have the twisted obligation to keep them reverently on some metal shelf in the garage for several years, then finally when I'm sure no relatives will inadvertantly ask for the collection, I finally take them to the dump, but by then they'll require a fee for toxic waste, which would pretty much include most of the crap the GA's spew. I'll be so broke I'll have to just sneak out into the desert in the middle of the night and dump them off like an old Ford Aerostar van. I just hope I can remember to peel off the address stickers so they can't be traced.

I wonder how the LDS church disposes of all it's now politically incorrect, erronious, speaking as a man not a prophet, scholarly works of Hugh Nibley, Journal of Discourses, pre 1995 BOMs, old Ensigns where SWK claims Lamanites turn whiter, and the mountains of other stuff they are rightfully embarassed about.

Maybe it's all in a big mountain vault where they also hide the records of the Evergreen torture on gays from the 70s and 80s, the evidence of JS philandering, the evidence of BYs cold murderous edicts, the news articles of the Danite suppressions, etc.

They've got the pit dug (being experts at digging themselves into an endless dark hole and pulling the dirt down on top of themselves). There in downtown SLC across from Temple Square are some nasty pits that they are running out of money to pour into. They could fill them with all the redacted useless truth stuff that they are so quick to shy away from. Still, the compaction would be uneven and the site would have to be condemned for the poor soil content. They'd have to just pave it over and turn it into a parking lot for all the outdated vehicles of Gods truth, like a junkyard of Mormonism.

The white and delightsome will be encouraged to turn in their old 5.0 versions of Gospel Doctrine for the New 6.0 Gospel Essentials revised and ergonomically, politically correct, and socially palatable software, ready to be implanted and implemented in the minds of all worthy members. The software has been engineered so that all traces of former doctrine will instantly be erased and overwritten by the new doctrine.

Any with defective hardware or motherboards that cannot process the New 6.0 Gospel Essentials are advised to abort their brains, evacuate their bowels, and otherwise expell all erronious equipment that is not 6.0 compatable.

Those found not upgrading will be met by the LDS Geek Squad (you'll recognize them because they come with a Gestapo arm band and a plate of rice crispy squares).

Those less valiant in the pre-existence will be relegated to digging through the outdated and toxic LDS waste doctrine to see if there's anything that can be salvaged and modified for use on the black market or made into razor sharp female mutilation and circumcision tools for the growing Muslim population.

Glowing Green Glob Coming Soon to Your Town!!

Since some Utards seem so excited to import toxic waste into their state they could extend the dump out at Dugway and just make a special place for outdated Mormon doctrine. Who knows, maybe in time it would spawn into that nasty bacteria that likes to eat toxic sludge and the Mormon doctrine would eat the nuclear waste....wait...BAD IDEA!!

So now I'm envisioning the outdated Mormon Doctrine eating the nuclear waste and then growing into a huge toxic blob that comes back like in a 50's B movie to take over Toole!!!! Run for your lives!!! Mormon Doctrine in green glowing jello globs is oozing it's way to a town near you!!!

Bonfire of the Vapidites

I can see the old coots from the COB getting together up Emigration Canyon at an undisclosed site, having their own ritual bonfire.

From Tessa at Postmormon:
Next a pit dug outside the new conference center....all "History of the Church," "Mormon Doctrine" "Journal of Discources" private diaries of past members from 1950s on back to 1826, Triple-Combinations published prior to 2010, and any Hoffman accidents....a huge "burning man" fire will be lit....while Tabernacle Choir sings...."It's a hot time in the old town, tonight."
Members attending will be encouraged to bring all errant volumes to add to the well as Deseret Industries book shelves and local libraries will also be "purged" for the good of the brethren and membership, in the spirit of "some truth isn't necessarily worth anything."
Any children in attendance will be required to wear fire-retardant pajamas....and no nylon/down parkas will be permitted on the order of the SLC Fire department.

Exhibition will run all three days...(Friday Night to Sunday 4 p.m.) See you there....

So perhaps we need a full out list and some specific references/memories of these now defunct dead doctrines. A little necro-doctrine resurrection, just for old times sake. Perhaps some poor confused LDS person will find the list and have a little cog dis trip down memory lane. At some point some of them are going to say ENOUGH!!!

Is there any reason then why the type of birth we receive in this life is not a reflection of the worthiness or lack of it in the pre-existent life?… We cannot escape the conclusion that because of performance in the pre-existence some of us are born as Chinese, some as Japanese, some as Latter-day Saints. These are rewards and punishments. - Mark E Peterson, Race Problems - As They Affect the Church.

In the Mormon Pre-Existence the Mormon Father in Heaven decided that more than 2/3 of his children were performing poorly and punished them with varying shades of melanin, thus condemning them to a lifetime of shame and derision inflicted by their more righteous white and delightsome brothers and sisters. In a related note, the Mormon God sucks.
But in the NEW AND IMPROVED LDS DOCTRINE, we get this:
Alexander Morrison, has of church history in this article in the September 2000 Ensign:
How grateful I am that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has from its beginnings stood strongly against racism in any of its malignant manifestations.
 (Whew, I'm sure glad I missed out on all the racism!)

Mike of Utah has made a fairly good list of some of the redacted or changed doctrines of the church. You can find it here:
From Mike of Utah:
My post is by no means a comprehensive and complete listing of all revisions from the 1997 to the 2009 editions. You can find more here but I doubt their comparison is complete but likely has the most significant ones. I focused on the ones that could be quite significant if it represents an abandoning or modification of core doctrines.

And to conclude this rant, from the wonderful Dr. Faustus:

It's too late for me, but I pray that there are some brave souls out there who will keep all their original-version Mormon books. Mormon Doctrine, Doctrines of Salvation, Miracle of Forgiveness, etc. One day we will want to be able to document McConkie's saying that when one is "adopted" into one of the twelve tribes the molecular structure of his blood changes to that of an Israeli; Miracle of Forgiveness's statement that not only does Cain live, but he is Big Foot; all that nonsense by Smith about how evolution is a false and satanic theory. . .
But the worst of all, again, in my opinion, is the sexuality. The Church may have stopped talking about its most egregious doctrines in public, but every nasty little perversion lives on in the minds of Seminary and Institute teachers, Sunday School instructors, and bitter old matrons sitting around campfires. Our children imbibe that vile stuff, and it harms their souls.
We must never burn those books.